I wrote this several years ago for ONE Magazine it is about my battle with depression and anxiety
Psalms 42:3 My tears have been my meat day and night, while they continually say unto me, Where is thy God?
I wept when I told my board, I wept when I told my church, and I wept when I told my family, After 27 Years as Pastor at Jerome Free Will Baptist Church I found I could no longer do what was needed to successfully lead a growing church I had entered a profound depression along with panic attacks. I got to the point that I would wait in the parking lot till it was time to start church then I would go in and stumble through a sermon and leave as soon as possible afterward. They say a going pastor builds a coming church but visitation became out of the question, It got where I couldn't handle one more problem. My life had become distant from family and my church people. The Church which had been vibrant and growing was now struggling and shrinking, and it was my fault.
Here is how I described it in my resignation letter to my Church.
“...Ministry is hard arduous work. It can put a profound strain on a pastors marriage and on his children. several years ago my wife entered a doctors care for depression and anxiety issues and at the end of last year and the begging of this year I have entered a doctors care for depression and anxiety. I have started having panic attacks and chest pains that I thought was a heart attack. I have been having the panic attacks on a weekly basis and the chest pains are a regular part of my life though I am assured by the doctor it is not a heart attack instead it it stress related. I am saddened to find myself unable to carry my own load of stress much less the heavy load that a pastor must carry to be effective in his calling. So it is with a heavy heart that I must tender my resignation as pastor of this amazing Church that has been so kind to me and my family over these last three decades...”
the reason I am telling you my tale is to attract my tribe. Could there be other pastors, and pastors families who are struggling with depression and anxiety?
Could they find help and a happier ending, is there hope for them?
I believe so.
My BIG problem was admitting that I had a problem. The depression came on progressively not instantly. It was situational ( ministry pressure a large family and all of the attendant issues that come from both areas) and genetic.
I was at least two years into the depression before I recognized what it was and another year before I sought medical help.
Dr. Richard Kravitz was quoted on the website Prevention.com
“Depression doesn’t always look like debilitating sadness," says Richard Kravitz, MD, MSPH, a professor of internal medicine at University of California, Davis, and an expert in identifying depression in primary-care settings. "Patients are reluctant to consider depression as a cause of their symptoms—in part because they may equate it with weakness, but also in part because they simply don’t associate those symptoms with depression." The site then gives ten surprising symptoms of depression that I have summarized below.
1. You're in pain.
Depression and pain share some of the same biological pathways and neurotransmitters. About 75% of people with depression suffer recurring or chronic pain.
2. You've gained weight.
3. You have a short fuse.
If the slightest mishap sends you into a rage, or grouchy is your new normal, you may be depressed.
4. You feel nothing. Feeling neutral, numb, or blah.
5. Addictive behaviour. Self medicating to deal with the internal pain.
6. You are glued to Facebook. Social media may be an addiction as well but it may be a sign of loneliness that accompanies the depression.
7. Your head is in the clouds.
we're happiest when our minds are firmly rooted in the present moment, and when our minds wander, it can make us wistful, anxious, and unhappy.
8. You can't make up your mind.
We make upwards of 70 conscious decisions every day. While many are no brainers like what to eat for breakfast the accumulation of decisions can lead to decision fatigue. "Little things we normally don't think twice about suddenly become weighty decisions.
9. You've stopped combing your hair or brushing your teeth.
Ultimately, not caring what you look like on the outside is a strong sign of problems happening on the inside.
10. You can't seem to stick to a sleep schedule. Insomnia AND oversleeping can be signs of depression.
Even after recognizing it admitting the depression and getting help is a real struggle. I heard a quote that helped me “secrecy is to sickness what openness is to wholeness” the only way to get better was to shine some much needed light on my plight. I believe there are many in ministry that struggle with the black dog of depression as Churchill described it in his life. Even pulpit legends like Spurgeon suffered at least bouts of depression, as did, Jeremiah, David, Elijah, and John the Baptist.
Had I recognized and recieved help sooner I could have had a better outcome maybe even been able to stay in the pastorate. Why do we hesitate to get help.
We don't want to admitted weakness. (This is not biblical we are weak, and God uses weak people but Jesus is strong)
We fear the judgment of others (especially our preacher friends and our church leadership)
We have held a wrong theology about depression and other mental health issues (the idea that those things are a sign of an emaciated spirituality)
We worry it will affect future ministry opportunity (if we are not dealing with the real issues of life are we even accomplishing true ministry)
6 months into my new life I am doing much better I am not healed but I am healing. Here is how the healing is happening.
I got medical help. With medication I am now sleeping at night. Before I was fortunate to get 4 hours of good sleep a night.
I told my tale. I tell people what is going on so they can find hope. People are shocked they say you didn't look depressed. (Depression has no special look)
I enlisted the help of my close friends and family. He have not because he ask not...I just had to ask and they were there.
I memorize and meditate on scripture. Robert Morgan's book on Scripture memory is a good place to start 100 verses everyone should know by heart.
I am building balance. The imbalance in my life was my besetting sin. I had the idea that I would rather burn out than rust out, maybe God would have rather I avoided both negative outcomes.
I had to give myself a demotion.
Demote yourself and Promote God to his rightful place: give up the illusion of control. There is a God and you are not him. We try to control everything and everyone in our lives in an attempt to remove pain from our lives and maintain pleasure in our lives. The trouble is we are truly terrible at trying to do God's job. He alone has all knowledge and all power to understand what should happen and the power to actually bring about the proper change at the proper time.
Take Sabath seriously. I am convinced those in ministry break this commandment more than any other. I worked bivocationally most of ministry life which meant weekends were filled to the brim with ministry. I almost never took time off this was sinful. We need to divert daily: find time each day to unwind. Get a hobby, take up a musical instrument, find something fun. (I ride a moped for fun right now.) Withdraw weekly: get away from ministry demands on a weekly basis (Monday could be a good choice, but make sure you get away regularly)
Abandon annually: take vacations or staycation unplug get away from texts, calls, instant messages etc.
As a side note it would be amazing if our churches could arrange for sabbatical season for those in the pastorate for a long time. Spurgeon had that set up late in his ministry who knows had he started earlier he might have lived and ministered longer.
I can almost hear you objecting wont dealing with this slow down my church growth? Let me tell you this, you are more than the ministry you do. God loves you quite apart from your activity and accomplishment, you are accepted in the beloved. Let me also call upon ancient wisdom from the tortoise and the hare. Slow and steady wins the race.
Jesus never ran anywhere in the scripture. It wasn't that he didn't care but instead he was demonstrating the pace of Grace. We need to move from the frenetic pace we are on toward a rhythm of resting in God.
God would be more pleased with a slow and steady growth rate that is consistent and permanent versus a quick flash in the pan that falls apart and dies off. You can accomplish far more than you can imagine in 10 years but we want that in a year. Remember your father in heaven thinks generationally for him a thousand years are as a day. So turn to and trust in your Father above as June Hunt who runs the website hope for the heart reminds us…
“The best help, however, is from the One who knows your pain, cares deeply for you, and is able to heal. His help is always free and always available. The Bible has many examples of God’s people who were depressed. You can follow their example by crying out to God, by remembering His faithfulness, and by putting your hope in Him. In your darkest hour, He won’t abandon you. He’s beside you, even when you can’t feel Him. Ask Him to remind you of His presence when the loneliness seems unbearable. He will reassure you − maybe through His Word or maybe through a friend”
Isaiah 50:10 Who is among you that feareth the LORD, that obeyeth the voice of his servant, that walketh in darkness, and hath no light? let him trust in the name of the LORD, and stay upon his God.
Let's conclude with the remainder of David's lament from Psalms 42
Psalms 42:4-5 When I remember these things, I pour out my soul in me: for I had gone with the multitude, I went with them to the house of God, with the voice of joy and praise, with a multitude that kept holyday.
Why art thou cast down, O my soul? and why art thou disquieted in me? hope thou in God: for I shall yet praise him for the help of his countenance.
Some places to go for help.
Focus on the family crisis phone number.
1-855-771-HELP (4357)
Mon - Fri: 6am - 8pm (Mountain Time)
Focus on the family pastoral care number.
1-877-233-4455
Mon - Fri: 6am - 8pm (Mountain Time)
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Pastors@fotf.org
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